Friday, May 24, 2002
How I Met My Boyfriend in a Liquor Store, Version 1
I met my boyfriend in a liquor store. I swear I only went in for liquor. By no means did I consider I might be in store for Something Else. This place has bars on the windows for chrissake.
Nevertheless, in an alcoholic desperation for beer and Jack Daniels, I pulled into the gravel lot. Outside, around a giant, smoke- belching barbeque pit, a slew of men stood menacingly, one of them with only one eye. Eh, they were no match for me, tiny-miniskirted, tight-shirted, slide-shod me (it was still light outside). I marched (as well as slides allow one to march) right inside (after asking permission).
A large, Teutonic, steel-toed-blue eyed man, and a no-toothed, but-smiling black man stood ready for my order.
"Bud Light--No! Wait." The Teutonic man growled low. "Guinness bottles, please."
"ACHTUNG!" said the big guy to the black guy who hadn't stopped smiling.
"Yassuh."
"Vat else you vant!" demanded the Teuton.
"J-jack D-daniels."
"Viskey trinker? Bah! Real man trink schnapps!" I hesitated to point out that I was no real man and quite happy about that.
And the Teuton poured me a large apple schnapps. "Trink! Trink! You trink t'at, maybe I feed you. Barbeque very succulent," he said invitingly, nodding toward the barbeque pit. By now, the menacing men from the sidewalk have congregated at the stainless-steel counter.
"Trink! Mein Gott, Voman, Trink!"
I picked up the plastic cup of bile green liquid and quaffed. I nearly made it. Dribbles of schnapps dripped down my chin.
"NO FOOD FOR YOU!" Instead the Teuton made me hop onto the counter which resulted in my flashing the menacing men and the no-toothed, but-smiling black man my green panties. "You sit here," he commanded in a tone I took to mean my other alternative was an iron maiden in the back. I sat.
"Are you Irish?" the one-eyed man asked. I nodded. "Well, then," he said, "How about a Guinness for an Irishman?" Seeing his eye drift toward my six-pack, I lunged.
"No!" I said, "You don't understand. I only want to go home. I don't want to be kidnapped here. I don't want to eat succulent pork barbeque. I have an oyster grinder and blood pudding in the car."
"Blood pudding!" the Teuton screamed. "She t'ink we haff no blood pudding!"
"Bread. Bread pudding," I wailed.
"Ja wohl, and we haff succulent pork barbeque! Ah hahahahahahahahaha."
And he poured me more schnapps. And he fed me barbeque. And he made me hang out with homeless people. "Don't get too attached," he warned me intimately, "dey around only very short time. Dey yust come for barbeque."
"Why am I here?" I wailed.
"I try to decide if I like you. Trink schnapps."
Later he said, "Time to valk dog!" He led me upstairs to a warren of rooms with sparse furniture and propaganda on the walls. From a closed door, somewhere in the dark, I heard the growling of a very large animal. "Utz!" commanded the Teuton, "Sitz." He confided to me, "Utz kicked out of police academy. Too mean." Not for the first time, I felt true evil emanating, though the source continued to elude me.
And then I was tackled by a very large, very loud, very strong German Shephard. I passed out in fear. I came to, the Teuton crouching above me, his large Teutonic head looming. "Utz likes you. I like you. Now we make out."
Some 10 hours after my arrival I left with a boyfriend, but without any liquor.
It was the best barbeque I ever ate.
I met my boyfriend in a liquor store. I swear I only went in for liquor. By no means did I consider I might be in store for Something Else. This place has bars on the windows for chrissake.
Nevertheless, in an alcoholic desperation for beer and Jack Daniels, I pulled into the gravel lot. Outside, around a giant, smoke- belching barbeque pit, a slew of men stood menacingly, one of them with only one eye. Eh, they were no match for me, tiny-miniskirted, tight-shirted, slide-shod me (it was still light outside). I marched (as well as slides allow one to march) right inside (after asking permission).
A large, Teutonic, steel-toed-blue eyed man, and a no-toothed, but-smiling black man stood ready for my order.
"Bud Light--No! Wait." The Teutonic man growled low. "Guinness bottles, please."
"ACHTUNG!" said the big guy to the black guy who hadn't stopped smiling.
"Yassuh."
"Vat else you vant!" demanded the Teuton.
"J-jack D-daniels."
"Viskey trinker? Bah! Real man trink schnapps!" I hesitated to point out that I was no real man and quite happy about that.
And the Teuton poured me a large apple schnapps. "Trink! Trink! You trink t'at, maybe I feed you. Barbeque very succulent," he said invitingly, nodding toward the barbeque pit. By now, the menacing men from the sidewalk have congregated at the stainless-steel counter.
"Trink! Mein Gott, Voman, Trink!"
I picked up the plastic cup of bile green liquid and quaffed. I nearly made it. Dribbles of schnapps dripped down my chin.
"NO FOOD FOR YOU!" Instead the Teuton made me hop onto the counter which resulted in my flashing the menacing men and the no-toothed, but-smiling black man my green panties. "You sit here," he commanded in a tone I took to mean my other alternative was an iron maiden in the back. I sat.
"Are you Irish?" the one-eyed man asked. I nodded. "Well, then," he said, "How about a Guinness for an Irishman?" Seeing his eye drift toward my six-pack, I lunged.
"No!" I said, "You don't understand. I only want to go home. I don't want to be kidnapped here. I don't want to eat succulent pork barbeque. I have an oyster grinder and blood pudding in the car."
"Blood pudding!" the Teuton screamed. "She t'ink we haff no blood pudding!"
"Bread. Bread pudding," I wailed.
"Ja wohl, and we haff succulent pork barbeque! Ah hahahahahahahahaha."
And he poured me more schnapps. And he fed me barbeque. And he made me hang out with homeless people. "Don't get too attached," he warned me intimately, "dey around only very short time. Dey yust come for barbeque."
"Why am I here?" I wailed.
"I try to decide if I like you. Trink schnapps."
Later he said, "Time to valk dog!" He led me upstairs to a warren of rooms with sparse furniture and propaganda on the walls. From a closed door, somewhere in the dark, I heard the growling of a very large animal. "Utz!" commanded the Teuton, "Sitz." He confided to me, "Utz kicked out of police academy. Too mean." Not for the first time, I felt true evil emanating, though the source continued to elude me.
And then I was tackled by a very large, very loud, very strong German Shephard. I passed out in fear. I came to, the Teuton crouching above me, his large Teutonic head looming. "Utz likes you. I like you. Now we make out."
Some 10 hours after my arrival I left with a boyfriend, but without any liquor.
It was the best barbeque I ever ate.
